Beastie Boys
In honor of the passing of MCA, a link to one of my all time favorite songs by the Beastie Boys.
The Noble Experiment
Category: Rants
May 3, 2012
Ask A Bartender – Serious Eats
We all have things that we love and hate to make behind the bar. Serious Eats decided to ask and let you know how to avoid that secret scornful look from your local barkeep. For me, it’s flavored martinis. This flavored vodka craze has gotten out of hand, with cotton candy and popcorn flavored drinks lining the shelves. In addition to all the new flavors, customers have these crazy new concoctions that they want that often times incorporate three or more flavored hoo-haas and some sort of schnapps. Sigh.
There are some other good gripes on the Serious Eats list, including cream based drinks, hot tea, sake bombs, and more. So read on to find out what I said, along with what a lot of people far more talented than me said. What do you hate to make or cringe when see people order? Comment away.
http://drinks.seriouseats.com/2012/05/ask-a-bartender-whats-your-least-favorite-drink-to-make.html
And here’s a picture of something I saw in the liquor store that made me sad.
January 17, 2012
My Conversation with BeerAdvocate on Twitter
I’m a Beer Advocate subscriber. I pay money for their magazine and have for two years now. I didn’t like their most recent editorial and I tweeted about how I thought it was stupid. Then they tweeted back, then we had the following exchange. So, I ask you, am I the asshole? Or are they?
Noblexperiment: The opening editorial about tap takeovers from Jason and Todd in beeradvocate this month is laughable. The dumbest thing I’ve read all week
BeerAdvocate Glad we made you laugh. Ignorance is bliss.
Noblexperiment: Nice. Stay classy, BA. RT BeerAdvocate Glad we made you laugh. Ignorance is bliss. 9 hours ago
BeerAdvocate: Take your own advice, hypocrite. 
9 hours ago
Noblexperiment: you guys want to talk about it? Id be happy to have a real conversation. 9 hours ago
BeerAdvocate We’d love to have a real conversation about it vs. you simply blowing off our opinion w/ trashy tweets. 9 hours ago
Noblexperiment: OK, great. Shall we start? You say that some brewers hate doing them but overzealous bars do them anyways. But you give no… 8 hours ago
Noblexperiment: …reasons why. What is it that brewers don’t like?You can’t shift blame to bars without reasoning as to why brewers hate them 8 hours ago
BeerAdvocate We actually clearly listed some of the reasons why, and blame lies with all parties involved. 8 hours ago
Noblexperiment: so the reasons listed in the article are problems that brewers have with tap takeovers? Or the problems you have with them? 8 hours ago
BeerAdvocate Both, but bars and others in the industry have also expressed similar opinions. 8 hours ago
Random Tweeter i’ll drop my popcorn to jump in and say that 90% of our tap takeovers are initiated by BREWERS not us.
BeerAdvocate We don’t doubt it, nor did we solely cast blame on bars. 8 hours ago
Noblexperiment that is how it read to me. Mismanaged inventory, takeovers with breweries they don’t support, bad impact on customer 8 hours ago
And then they stopped talking to me, so there you have it. Draw your own conclusions.
January 12, 2012
Entrepreneurship and The Art of Dodging Stupid Questions
*This picture looks like a midevil torturing machine, right? It’s not, it’s the bottling line at the old Evolution Brewery*
People ask me stupid things all the time. And as a local business owner, I have to deal with constant questions about the state of the business and the constant stream of “I hope you’re doing ok” pity commentary. Someone comes in on a Monday afternoon at 4pm when it’s quiet and they assume you’re going out of business. If no one is here right now, they say to themselves, how is it possible that this place can support itself!
This is one of the dumbest assertions that you can make. A trend can’t be predicted based on a single data point. If you have a cold day in January, it doesn’t disprove global warming. You need data to make assertions and to get good data, you need a better cross section of what’s going on, which you don’t have.
It’s never made sense to me why someone would ask a quasi stranger intimate details of something very important to them, and often do so as if they assume its not that the answer could be a good one. If you think you’re cozy with the owner of your local watering hole and you want to ask stupid questions, let me give you a few things to keep in mind:
First, and most importantly, you’re not going to get an honest answer unless you’re an honest friend. If you are an honest friend, ask away and don’t be shy. However, there is no incentive to tell a stranger about the state of your business, no matter how great or how poor it is doing. You, as an outsider, know very little about the business I’m in. Not because you don’t know the industry, which you may, or because you haven’t been in a similar situation, which you may have, but because you don’t know how our business is structured or how it runs or what our relationships are like with vendors or how we make decisions or who makes decisions or why decisions are made. If you ask me whether things are getting better or worse, there are 30 different answers to that question. And without more background, the answer you’ll get will be cookie cutter at best.
Additionally, it shows your lack of tact. I don’t go up to you and ask you how things are going with your significant other, or what your relationship is like with you parents, or how much your teenage daughter dislikes you, or how much you make at your current job. Want to know why? Because it’s not my business and there isn’t anything I can do about it. Before you ask a stupid question say to yourself “what is the purpose of this and what am I going to do with this information.” If it’s because you like to spread gossip or you just want to feel good about knowing, give it a rest.
If you’re an entrepreneur, you get it. You get these questions all the time and you’re annoyed. If you have a business that you care about, you understand the sensitive nature of the things you’re asking. As an entrepreneur, your goal is to maximize the success of your business and to protect it. Competitive advantages only last until your neighbor starts doing the same things you are. When I meet other people who own restaurants I know that they’re not interested in my opinion unless or until they ask. I’ll share my advice upon request.
So, there you have it. A reasonable rant about a seemingly reasonable conversation that I find completely unreasonable. Happy January!
January 11, 2012
Buy These Books, Slackers
I know you don’t like to read. Sometime after middle school you gave that up, didn’t you. Whatever, slacker. To bring back the glory days of your eduukation, I’ve decided to tell you what to read. Nothing on this list will be a waste of your time and whether you choose to skim it, study it, use it, or just look at the pictures, I’m sure you’ll be quite satisfied with the results.
In no particular order…
1. PDT Cocktail Book: This book is a handy cocktail reference book to keep on hand. It houses a lot of obscure ingredients that you probably don’t have (but probably should) but it’s also chock full of delicious recipes that only use three or four ingredients, many of which you probably do have (Or definitely should have). If you buy one cocktail book, make it this one.
2. The Oxford Companion to Beer: Why, you ask, do I need a thousand page reference book on beer? Who cares about the isomerization of alpha acids in hops and melanoidin formation in the malting process? Me, for one. And you should too. Like that guy on that show from your childhood used to say, “the more you know…”
3. Ad Hoc at Home: This should be your cookbook of choice. From the ever impressive Thomas Keller, this is a refreshingly delicious cookbook that doesn’t require an anti-griddle, liquid nitrogen or a sous vide machine to make your food taste good. If you like food and you want to cook, this is the only book you need. You’ll impress even your harshest critic (me).
4. Momofuku Cookbook: You’ll never cook out of this one. When was the last time you made bacon stock for your ramen? Right. But this is a great read. David Chang talks a lot about the process of opening and working in a restaurant. He talks about his life and his path, and he does so in a way that makes it interesting. He swears a lot and writes like a real person.
5. Blood, Bones and Butter: This book by Gabrielle Hamilton, is probably the most entertaining and well written thing I’ve ever read. A story of her journey through the depths of the restaurant industry to the eventual opening of her own restaurant, this is a must read. It’s a novel, or biography, or whatever that’s called. It’s not a cookbook. Read this book.
December 30, 2011
The Year In Review – 2011
First off, let me say for the record that I think New Year’s Eve is lame. It ranks just barely ahead of Halloween in my book as the worst holiday of the year. I don’t feel any different when the year changes and I still have to go to work. And you can make a resolution any day of the year if you just gave enough of a shit to do it. And you can assess on a 12 month rolling basis at any point in time. And those pointy hats are stupid. And that bar is overpriced on New Years Eve. So if we’re making lists on New Years Eve, here is mine. The worst holidays of the year:
1. New Year’s Eve
2. Halloween
3. Valentine’s Day (not because I don’t like celebrating with your loved ones, only because its so artificial)
4. St. Patrick’s Day (why? tell me what you celebrate on St Pattys day…)
5. Cinco de Mayo
But that’s not the list that people want to see nor the one that they will be pumping out over the last few days of 2011. What we’ll see is the classic “best of” list. There are lots of things that I can think of to put on a best of list, but I think my time is better spent taking stock of the year gone by and making some bold statements for 2012. And it seems like more fun, too. So this isn’t a “best of” or a “top trends” or a “best meals” or “best drinks” list. It’s internal, probably only relevant to me, and possibly completely uninteresting to you. Deal.
So let’s start with the things that I think went well this year.
1. Found a little groove with this blog, posting some rants and recipes, and really just doing whatever the hell I want. And I like it better. And people seem to be reading it.
2. Undertaken some more ambitious cocktail projects such as barrel aging, the japanese siphon project, hop infused gin, pineapple shrubs and many more not posted on this blog. It feels good to be creative.
3. Studied a substantial amount for the Cicerone. I’ve still got a way to go, but I’ve had good focus and made good progress. The more you know…
4. Built a bar and added more draft lines at Punk’s. Can’t really argue with that.
5. Completed Bar Smarts.
6. Took a new approach to liqueurs, amaros and mixers and found a lot of cool new spirits which went into some cool new cocktails.
7. Threw some stellar events that revolved around food and drink.
However, there are certainly some things that I could stand to improve upon.
1. Follow up – There are a number of projects that made it through approximately one day and then were shelved due to lack of focus. In 2012 I need to start, follow through, and finish.
2. I need to post more often. I did ok this year, posting 34 times in 2011. But I think I can do more.
3. I’d like to guest bartend more often. I’ve been doing this from time to time and have talked about doing it more but I haven’t made it happen. You can learn so much from watching someone else’s technique and how they work.
4. I need to be less anti-social and network more. That would help.
5. I may have pissed some people off this year. I”m not sure which of these two lists that belongs on, but I’ll place it here for the time being. I suppose only time will tell on that one.
6. Focus, focus, focus. I need to narrow in on the things that are most productive and attack them with ferocity.
So, there you go. The best not best-of, not best-ever, not best-anything list I could put together. Make sure you drink well in January and happy 2012!
November 23, 2011
The Big Beers Just Keep Getting Bigger…
Ok, so I’m as much of a fan of the “extreme” beers as the next guy, but things are getting a little bit out of hand. When I’m picking drafts these days, one of my primary concerns is ABV. At this point, you have to factor that in. The average craft beer seems to have risen to over 6% with your everyday IPA topping out over 7%. Want a stout? You’re probably looking at 8% or 9%. Christmas beer? 10% or more.
Don’t get me wrong, there are good session beers out there these days, but the specialty beers and the seasonals are getting a little out of hand. Want proof? Just look at some of the new seasonals available in Maryland right now. Mad Elf is 11%. Bruery 4 Calling Birds is 11%. Brooklyn Black Chocolate Stout is 10%. Uinta Dubhe Black IPA is 9.6%. Dogfish 120 Minute just came out at a whopping 18%! Victory Yakima Glory is 8.7%. Evolution Menagerie #3 is an even 10%. All delicious beers, all high abv.
Now, I know what you’re thinking. You’re saying to yourself “there are great beers out there that are lower abv. This guy is nuts”. That’s true, I know. You can snag a Sierra Nevada Celebration at a meager 6.7%. Or a Sam Smith Winter Warmer at 6.1%. A Sixpoint Diesel at 6.8%. But the reality is that this becoming the exception rather than the rule. I beg you to find a winter beer that sits under 6%. Or a coveted seasonal that isn’t 8% or higher. When I choose beers for the restaurant, everyone wants the rare and unique. But when that’s the only thing I choose, we end up with more than half of our drafts at 8% or higher. And for a lot of people, or a lot of dayparts, or a lot of situations, that’s kind of limiting. So let’s keep making some high abv beers, but can someone please make me a drinkable, delicious, 5% Christmas beer?!?
July 4, 2011
Why Big Foodservice Suppliers Suck And Why They Make Restaurants Suck
Here’s the deal. I just had a shitty meal at a restaurant that I wanted to like. Part of the reason it sucks, I think, is because many of these big broadline distributors want it to suck. They benefit from shitty restaurants who want to sell cheap food and make lots of money on it.
Allow me to explain. Big foodservice reps walk into restaurants with product samples that their bosses want them to sell. They pass these products off as time savers and convenience items that can save a restaurant time and money. What types of products, you ask? Where to begin. There is the pre-cooked, pre-cut bacon in a bag. The ready to serve flank steak, pre-marinated and pre-grilled. Just cut and heat in the microwave. There are the green beans in a can. The ranch dressing with MSG and preservatives. The neon yellow cheese sauce in a can. Heat and serve soups in a bag. The list goes on and on.
The problem is that big foodservice presents these items as viable alternatives to real food, which they most certainly are not. Look at the ingredients in that cheese sauce and you won’t find one thing closely related to the ingredients you use to make cheese. These folks come in and tell a restaurateur that they can save time and money by switching to the cheaper product. They don’t mention the quality, the preservatives, the fat, the general nastiness or the impact on the consumer. And restaurant people, who are overworked and exhausted as is, see an alternative. But, as I mentioned, its not an alternative.
Obviously, the restaurant people are to blame as well. They make the purchasing decisions. But the influence comes from the peddlers at giant broadliners. And if these broadliners took some of these shitty processed foods out of their lineup, you’d have a better quality product all around. Restaurants would be tastier, the sun would shine brighter, Americans would be skinnier, and unicorns would roam the plains (whatever, part of that is true).
So, in short, I blame big foodservice companies. I think they suck. Their products suck, their decision-making sucks, their corporate structure (probably) sucks, and their crack peddling processed food bullshit sucks. Ask your favorite local restaurant if they use these folks and I bet they’ll tell you no. Go somewhere that sucks and ask, you’ll probably get a yes.
June 21, 2011
Maryland Beer Laws Suck.
We get good beer in Maryland. We really do. Craft brewers seem to love us. For some reason, Maryland sells the most Oskar Blues outside of Colorado. We’re getting New Belgium. All of the breweries that are pulling out of states are staying in MD. Us Marylanders love good beer and we have a beer culture that sustains.
But we’re hampered by Maryland liquor laws. First of all, you can’t ship into the state. I’m sure the state legislature doesn’t want to miss out on the sales tax they could generate in state by allowing shipping. But it’s stupid and counterproductive. No one is going to replace their trips to the liquor store with online ordering, that’s just silly. But as of now, if you want something, the only way to get it is to find it at your local liquor store.
Second, there are no exceptions to the three-tier distribution system. You get what the distributors want to bring in, when they want to bring it in. It’s not up to you, the consumer, to decide what comes into the state. It’s up to these giant conglomerate distributors.
The reason that DC has a better craft beer culture is because they allow more beer to find its way to the consumer. Beer stores and bars in DC can go anywhere in the country and pick up beer. If there is a limited release in California, they can set up a shipment direct from the brewery or go out there on their own and pick it up. It might cost a little extra, but at least the option is there.
Maryland needs to relax its liquor laws. Prohibition has been done for a long time and the laws that are on the books don’t make sense given today’s market conditions. So all I have to say is GET IT TOGETHER MARYLAND!
May 2, 2011
The Three Tier Distribution System – Leveling the Playing Field.
I feel like I need to talk about prohibition some more. After all, this blog was named after the “noble experiment” which was just another name for prohibition. I spoke briefly to the three-tier distribution system earlier, focusing on temperance. In a nutshell, the government plan was ineffective.
In today’s rant, we’ll discuss another aspect of the three-tier distribution, the theory of the level playing field. The schtick was that this new post-prohibtion system would benefit small producers by leveling the playing field for large retailers. Any store can get equal access to any beer.
This is a great idea in theory. If any brewery, large or small, has access to a market, then there can be no monopolies like there were pre-prohibition. A brewery can’t fund a bar or provide exclusive price breaks and gifts to a bar for carrying their product. As you may recall, during the pre-prohibition era bars would throw a bunch of free beers to bars and stores in exchange for exclusivity. The three-tier system was supposed to end that.
But as anyone who has worked in the industry knows all too well, there is not a level playing field. Breweries do the same thing, just through different channels. They exchange services (like draft equipment or line cleaning) in exchange for exclusive use of draft lines. They earmark rare and hard to find cases for their favorite or best customers, effectively cutting off other accounts. They hand out table tents, signage, glassware, tap handles and more in exchange for carrying their beers.
How can the playing field be level when In-Bev can afford to buy you draft equipment, clean it monthly, give you glassware, and make table tents and signage? Can you local craft brewery do that? Do they have the resources? The answer is most likely not. So every store may be able to get every beer, but the incentive to carry certain brands, which was the issue to begin with, still exists.
The impetus falls, as it did before prohibition, to the bar owner, manager or beverage buyer. You have to make a conscious choice to clean the lines yourself. To carry the more expensive beers. To buy your own damn glassware. Before prohibition, you had to make that decision too. Maybe they’ve made it slightly easier by making everyone pay the same price for Bud Light. But the back door incentives still exist. Post-prohibition FAIL.
